In a confession to the death bed, my mother revealed a shocking secret. What should I do?

Care and feeding is the column for parent advice from Slate. Do you have a question about care and feeding? Send it here.

Love and feeding, love care and feeding,

Shortly before my mother died of cancer last year, she revealed a shocking secret to me.

Years ago when my parents were married for the first time, they had a son. They were in bad financial streets and at that time could not afford to take care of a child, so they gave him up for adoption. After my mother's death, I went to my father and confronted him with what my mother had told me. He said it was true and they never revealed it to my sister and me because they were afraid to annoy us and had the feeling that nothing good would do it to visit it again.

I am extremely angry and feel cheated that our parents kept this from us for 50 years. I spent all the time to think about the brother that we never knew, and it has reached a break where I wonder what (if at all) actions I should take. Do I tell my sister? Should I try to track down my brother?

– I'm not the oldest child

Better not the oldest

Just because this was the secret of their parents for many years does not mean that they have to belong now. If I were her, I would like to tell her sister – for her own will and the will of her relationship. Imagine you will feel when you does Find it out one day and learn that you also knew and recorded it from her. If you tell her what you have learned, you may be able to process some of them together and come to a mutual decision about how you may want to proceed.

I can't tell you whether you should try to find your brother or not. Adoption associations are complicated and the situation of every family is unique. Before you decide whether you want to look for him, you should make it clear to yourself what you want. (I think you also have to try to find out what, if at all, your father and/or sister contact him, where he deals – just because you turn him to him does not necessarily mean that you want or will be ready.) If you turn to your brother, you know that he could react to any number of species. In contrast to them, he knows his whole life through adoption. He didn't try to find you first that you know from; He may not be so interested in meeting or communicating with them. On the other hand, he could be excited to hear from you and have many questions about your family. Think about whether you are willing to answer these questions, because the task may fall if you are the one who can turn – especially if your father is not interested in a reunion.

I was adopted as a child, by parents who kept my adoption secret, and when I found her as an adult, one thing was quickly that our reunion could not heal my adoption due to the years of silence and shame, which was broken in this family. This is still true almost 20 years later. So I would like to emphasize that it will not help you find your brother-why you can do it that you may not solve tensions or anger that has caused this long-buried secret in your family. You still have to talk to your father and find out how you can move forward now because you know the truth.

I strongly recommend that you (and everyone who thinks about any kind of adoption re -association) will align your support system in advance. You would also not speak to an adoption-competent therapist. I think it can really help to do as much of this work as possible and perhaps during the reunification process for everyone involved.

– Nicole

Further advice from parents from Slate

My husband and I went into parenting that we want three or four children. In the end, my first pregnancy had some serious complications, but my doctors agreed that a second pregnancy was still appropriate with some precautions. My second pregnancy was terrible and finally led to a hysterectomy when the baby was administered. Last year, when our children were 3 and 4, we decided to explore adoption and/or support, because we felt that we still had space and love for more children in our lives. At about the same time, my sister -in -law married and pregnant with twins. She had never said much wish to have children and was definitely stressed that they were twins. When the twins were about 6 weeks old, they all came to stay with us for a weekend, to visit the wedding of a friend with whom we agreed to watch the babies.